Okay. This has been asked of me far too many times… I’ll tell you what we are probably thinking at any given moment: Sex. We are simple-minded creatures. We seek pleasure. Most of our time is spent sitting around, thinking about how to get sex. I’m really not joking about that. The three major pursuits of a man are sex, beer, and the ability to destroy “stuff”. Testosterone does funny things. A normal guy will consider it a good day when he got drunk, got laid, and got to shoot something. Doesn’t even have to be in that order.

Also, please believe us when you ask a guy “What are you thinking?” and get the response “Nothing”. We can do that. We can go without thinking for hours. I once spent an entire day running off of pure instinct. I don’t remember much about that day, but I was told that I got drunk, hit on everything with tits, got slapped a lot, lit many things on fire, and then threw up in a gutter. I wish I could remember that, because it sounds like I had fun.

Okay, there is one more popular response to this question that I just want to dismiss. When you ask what a guy is thinking and he says “About us”, he does not mean in the deep, philosophical way. He isn’t planning a wedding, and he isn’t scheming to whisk you off to some flowery meadow for a picnic. He may very well be thinking about the two of you, but it probably involves you being handcuffed to something while screaming, “Take me, you big love-monkey!”

In short, stop asking what we are thinking. Not only are you not missing much, but you really don’t want to know..